Prince Harry to the rescue
160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set! No “cut and run” here: Prime Minister Tony Blair says that Great Britain’s pullout of troops from Iraq doesn’t necessarily mean a lessening of an English presence there. “With the dispatch of Prince Harry into the fight, just the tabloid paparazzi alone, you’ll have more English than you can shake a stick at.” Who really remembers if you outed a spy? In their closing arguments, Lewis “Scooter” Libby’s defense attorneys employed the rarely used, “he didn’t lie, he just forgot” defense. “Who knows when anyone is lying or forgetting,” said Libby attorney Slick McFib. “Certainly not a jury. Really. Even if they do find our client guilty, how do we know if they’re lying about the conviction or just forgot to find him innocent?” It won’t be their fault: Democrats signaled a new approach to governing last week with their attempt to pass a nonbinding resolution responding to the president’s Iraq surge. “Placing the blame, but not taking the responsibility, serves the greater purpose,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “This way, if we’re right, we have proof we said so. If we’re wrong, no one got hurt.” If only this dream works: Sens. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., and Barack Obama, D-Ill., are now getting behind the idea of fighting a war … with each other. The battle began when zillionaire warmonger David Geffen, D-reamWorks, referenced Clinton’s Iraq war vote, noting that the senator was incapable of admitting a mistake. The Clinton campaign, searching for something that the seemingly impenetrable Obama had mishandled, sent out a release saying that Barack “had no experience dealing with lapses in good judgement, which he will need as president.” Hillary add: Clinton’s people also shot back at the entire field of Democratic presidential hopefuls. “You have no idea how many toilet seats are being left up during the campaign,” mumbled James Carville. “Call it oversight by the rest of the candidates if you want, but in a matter of speaking, the writing is on the floor.” Bring protection, Johnnie Mac: Last week, presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., said that former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld “will go down as one of the worst secretaries of defense in history.” Last month McCain said the president “was very badly served by both the vice president and, most of all, the secretary of defense.” But Vice President Cheney said that he and Rumsfeld still consider McCain a good friend and, in fact, they have invited him to go duck hunting with them any day now. It’s a humid snow: Despite clear evidence of snow and ice storms hitting a great part of the country, former vice president and global warming-warning guy Al Gore called the East Coast cold snap a hoax. “It’s obvious that White House operatives want to undermine the GW threat by floating this warrantless phony speculation that snow and ice are somehow connected to a lowering of temperatures,” said the Oscar-nominated, Nobel Prize nominee. “Next thing you know, they’ll be pushing the whopper that I lost the 2000 election.” Gore add: With nominations for an Academy Award, Nobel Prize, Grammy and People’s Choice Award, Al Gore is bringing his “An Inconvenient Truth” documentary to Broadway as a musical in which he will star. “I ain’t givin’ up till I get that Tony,” said the versatile performer as he rubbed his head with one hand and rubbed his stomach with the other … at the same time. Oh, you mean it was wrong? Poverty-stricken, disabled hospital patients are hailing state and local officials’ proposed legislation making it a crime to dump poverty-stricken, disabled hospital patients on the streets. “Thankfully, someone finally pointed out that dumping poverty-stricken, disabled hospital patients on the streets was a bad thing,” said a Kaiser Hospital spokesperson. “And just as soon as the law is passed, we can finally stop doing it.” Weekend at Anna Nicole’s: Former Senate majority leader, Dr. Bill First, has stepped forward to give his professional opinion on the corpse of Anna Nicole Smith. “After seeing a video of the autopsy, I believe the Florida coroner had erred in declaring Ms. Smith to be in a constant death state,” said the senator/heart surgeon. “And remind me again, why aren’t I capable of running for president?” Not the least bit funny: Reports out of Washington’s Walter Reed Veterans Hospital say that out-patient veterans are being warehoused in rat- and roach-infested rooms, some of which are coated in black mold, making them unfit for human habitation. No word on how the “Support Our Troops” White House, senators and representatives who regularly make their photo-op visits to the hospital could have missed it. Steve Young is author of “Great Failures of the Extremely Successful” (www.greatfailure.com).